jess (jess_is_here) wrote,

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it's not a cry for help or a plea for pity. it's just important to know about me and on my mind.

[i probably shouldn't make this public, but whatever. make what you want of it. sorry it's so long.]

i go from amused to frustrated way too quickly. i need to choose a mood and stick to it.

two years ago exactly i went to the doctor's and stepped on the scale. they took my temperature and measured my blood pressure and heart rate. the numbers were too low, they knew something was wrong. they sent me off. that one trip to the doctor's office took everything away from me.

i haven't thought about these kinds of things for a while. yet i think about them all the time. i've morphed it into something i can live with, something that will keep me healthy but it's still there. it still gets in the way of too many things, but i don't know how to not let it. losing that scares me more than anything.

and i'd be lying if i said i didn't miss that feeling of power, of control and achievement that it gave me (in some sick way, of course). i'd never have the discipline to do it again though. i know it's for the best, but that scares me too. i've given something up. i'm in awe and envy of that fifteen year old girl who somehow dealt with the cold and emptiness and lonliness and downright hunger in order to achieve something she thought was beautiful. i'm still not really sure what that was though, or when i thought it would happen.

at the same time i'm really proud of myself. proud of the fact that i can be okay with so many things that i used to think i would rather die than do. i never saw myself weighing this much or allowing myself flexibility in how much i ate each day or just letting the food stay inside me if i went a day without working out. and i'm not saying i don't freak out sometimes. however, i can look myself in the mirror and i may not like what i see (sometimes downright hate it) but i'm living with it. i'm okay with it. i never thought i could do that. i remember swearing that i would die before i did that.

since then, i've built so much of my life around finding reasons not to go back; reasons to be okay with it. i find little things to obsess over that i know i wouldn't have if i let it happen again. i change it often so that the impulse for that high of hunger and power doesn't overwhelm these other goals. they're silly things like getting a car (it was contingent upon weight), getting back to swimming, doing well in school, but they're parts of my life that i couldn't have if things were different. i hope that someday my reason can just simply be my own health. i hope that i can fully realize that it's not worth it and that it's not what i want. but i'm not ready for that yet. i'm not ready for that sick part of me to let go completley.

i don't know if people realize that this is still such a big part of me. i don't talk about it often or let in on it because i feel guilty .it's been such a long time. i don't think i'm comfortable enough with anyone right now to try to let them understand everything, to even try to explain it all. although that would feel good. i'm so much better off now but i don't think i will ever be able to completely shake this feeling. it still controls my life and occupies my thoughts so much that it just seems normal. i feel like some things will never go away.

As I was walking through a life one morning
the sun was out, the air was warm, but
Oh, I was cold
And though I must have looked half a person,
to tell the tale, in my own version,
It was only then that I felt whole

But do you believe in something beautiful?
Then get up and be it

Fighting for the smallest goal: to get a little self-contol
I know how hard you try. I see it in your eyes
But call your friends, 'cause we've forgotten what it's like to eat what's rotten
And what's eating you alive might help you to survive.
We went on as we were on a mission, latest in a Grand Tradition
And oh, what did we find?
It was Ego who was flying the banner, and me and Mia, Ann and Ana
Oh, we'd been unkind

But do you believe in something beautiful?
Then get up and be it

Fighting for the smallest goal: to get a little self-control
I see it in your eyes, I see it in your spine.
But call your friends,
'cause we've forgotten what it's like to eat what's rotten
And what's eating you alive, might help you to survive.

And even the nights, they can get better
And even the days ain't all that bad
And after a week of fighting, as more and more it seems the right thing

But do you believe in something beautiful?
Then get up and be it

Fighting for the smallest goal: to gain a little self-control
Won't anybody here just let you disappear?
Not doctors, nor your mom nor dad, but me and Mia, Ann and Ana
Know how hard you try. Don't you see it in my eyes?
Sick to death of my dependence, fighting food to find transcendence
Fighting to survive, more dead but more alive
Cigarettes and speed to live, and sleeping pills to feel forgiven
All that you contrive, and all that you're deprived
All the bourgeois social angels telling you you've got to change
Don't have any idea. They'll never see so clear.
But don't forget what it really means to hunger strike
when you don't really need to
Some are dying for a cause, but that don't make it yours.

And even the nights, they can get better.

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