jess (jess_is_here) wrote,
jess
jess_is_here

REFLECTIVE/ EFFUSIVE ENTRY WARNING

life is so good right now. i just thought that needed to be said, due to my lack of updates in the past few months. (although most of you who read this at this point probably see me everyday). the past two years have unravelled in ways i could have never predicted, but somehow i feel like things are finally calming down. within the past month i've stopped therapy (still have psychiatry, and if you know the difference you know what i mean by that), been swimming as much as i want, and i've been as social as can be. sure, i don't think i will ever let myself relax when it comes to school and i will always stress out more than the average person, but i haven't felt lonely for a long time.

maybe im just getting older. maybe its chemicals. maybe meeting people this summer who had been through the same sorts of things, who i could relate to so much, was a factor. its so weird and frustrating how i found myself putting so much out there and telling so much to people i have known a percentage of the time i have known my friends. i told things to sarah, sarah and nikki that i just wouldn't let myself share with certain people. i know that's my own doing, my own fault, but sometimes i wish i could let myself go with people here. it's not that i'm lonely, it's just that i miss that so much, and it frustrates me that i can't do it.

i know i started this entry out saying that things were good. and they truly are. yet it still seems like there is so much i am unsure of right now. im so sick of always trying to be the best at something but never quite making it. im sick of expectations, and pressure and competition. i really am making no sense, seeing as i am dead tired and stressed out right now. okay, now it is seeming like i am not happy, which definitel is not true. i will go to bed and try to be more logical tomorrow.
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