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peanuts
Posted on 2003.05.27 at 20:36
Fuck. This is so frustrating. I cannot do any more. There has to be something wrong when I eat to the point of pain and feel like I'm going to explode, yet I don't gain any weight.

I'm kind of getting more used to this whole therapy thing. But-eh-not really. I'm not the type of person who really opens up. However, she does bring up some interesting questions and I think I might even be learning a little bit about myself and how I got here. I just don't like the fact that she (as well as all my other doctors) refer to it as 'anorexia'. I always percieved anorexia primarily a distorted body image issue; people consiously trying to eat less and lose weight. I don't like naming things because it makes them seem too general and leads to too much judgement. Also, if you leave something nameless it just doesn't seem like as big of a problem.

I got some work from my teachers today and even though I haven't done any it still feels like a little weight has been lifted. Just knowing how understanding (with the exception of Pure-cocky-wal) they are and being aware of their flexibility with all of this is comforting. Of course I've always had to worry more about my expectations and standards more than anyone elses, but the fact that they don't expect me to make any huge commitments or do everything at once allows me to ease up a bit.

I acutally miss school a little bit. That's how bored I am. I feel so isolated at home and there is absolutely nothing to do. It would make no sense to go back now though, because a)we have two days of real school left before finals (which I cannot take next week due to massive behindness), b)I would have to leave like every two hours for some sort of appointment and c) I really have trouble focusing right now. (Mom! where's my ritalin?!? hahaha.) I just want to go to field day on Friday, but that would be too much activity. Plus, I have to to Stanford at like 2. Once again, Stanford fucking ruins everything.

It feels like the doctors there fucking control my life. I hate that. I'm the type of person who needs to be in control. The question is: when was the last time I really was? Obviously, I haven't really been for a while, or else none of this would have happened. I was so afraid to let loose and was so determined to live up to the expectations that I set for myself that I got detatched from the real me, my rational side, and everything went spiraling out of control. If I was feeling depressed I couldn't talk to anyone because no one knows me as a depressed person. Therefore, I wouldn't acknowlege those feelings until I couldn't discern which side of me was logical or which one I listened to. Well, how's that for some self analyzation? Haha.

But this feeling of needing to be in control makes this so much harder, just because it fuels my motivation to resist. It's so much harder to get out of this than it was to get in, and there's so many reasons for that. However, I've rambled on for long enough, and it's time to eat once again.

P.S. If a lot of this doesn't make sense it's because I've been majorly filtering most of my entries lately. I know, I suck. I should just write it in a real journal. Eh, whatever.

P.P.S. Since when did I start swearing so much? Haha.

Comments:


I would be involved with you
csarina at 2003-05-27 21:10 (UTC) (Link)
i'm sorry this is all so hard for you. However maybe the whole labelling thing woudl be easier knowing that the actual information on "anorexia" shows that it is about control issues and not body image at the root usually. Don't know if that helps or if I am just making you angry.

jess
jess_is_here at 2003-05-27 22:21 (UTC) (Link)

Re:

I just think labeling some mental/emotional issue can always be somewhat misleading because everyone's motivations, feelings, reflections, etc. are different. It makes it seem more like a cold or the flu when you give it a name. ("where have you been?"--"Oh, I came down with anorexia"). But it's really not like that at all because it's all kind of part of my personality and there's no cure or medicine. Also, it always seems like anorexia gets a bad wrap. Like everyone who has it is obsessed with losing weight and is incredibly vain. If someone asks me about what's going on, I'd rather take the time to explain than to just say "I'm anorexic" because it's just to broad of a term and open to too much judgement.

Eh, that was long and didn't make sense.
xoxo
jessie
I would be involved with you
csarina at 2003-05-28 21:45 (UTC) (Link)
I know and I'm not trying to pigeonhole you baby I guess I was just trying to make it easier and failed.
jess
jess_is_here at 2003-05-28 21:59 (UTC) (Link)

Re:

I didn't think you were and sorry if I seemed defensive. I definitely do understand what you are saying, I just kind of went off on my own little tangent there.
xoxo
jessie
I would be involved with you
csarina at 2003-05-28 22:16 (UTC) (Link)
It's natural to be defensive *hugs*
K
hydrant at 2003-05-27 21:51 (UTC) (Link)
What did Purewal do? I can yell at him big time if hes being an insensitive jerk

also you should come to field day, a lot of the school misses you and it would be nice to see you again.... we are one (though slightly disfunctional) family.
jess
jess_is_here at 2003-05-27 22:07 (UTC) (Link)

Re:

Haha. Purewal didn't do anything. I just have to finish the exams he gave me by Friday because he's going to give people the answer keys for the final review and doesn't want me to still have the tests when people have the answers. (Did that sentence make any sense?)

Anyway, it's only two tests, and it's not like I have anything better to do.

I am going to come for a little bit on Friday to turn things in and see the big happy disfunctional Bentley family, but I have to be out in Palo Alto by 2:00 so I can't stay for long.
-jessie
Meredith Hays
fitchb1ytch at 2003-05-27 22:13 (UTC) (Link)

jessie :(

hey man!!!!!! i kno wat its like to wana be in control! seriously man! before i came out here i was all like always in control u kno and then high school started and since this skewl has more people (hard to believe but true lol) i found it harder to control everything

labeling it anorexia, In my Opinion is a good thing. Its identifying the problem, and giving it a name, so its easier for u to fight. Wat my physchiatrist person tells me is that "think of (problem) as an enemy that u need to battle, and u dont want to let that person win" i kno it sounds corny, but it works

u looked a lot better today!

hope to see u on thursday

ahaha i luv how kathy chimes in rite at the mention of purewal
jess
jess_is_here at 2003-05-27 23:17 (UTC) (Link)

Re: jessie :(

Haha. I didn't even know she read my journal.

Anyway, thanks babe! I just think that it's a little more complicated than just separating the anorexic/eating disorder part of me from my more rational side. For one thing, I wasn't even aware of what was happening. Also, it seems like a lot of the things that feed and fuel the "enemy" are like prominent parts of my personality and part of me doesn't really want to let go. Eh..so confusing. I wrote something else in my comments kind of related to this too, but I don't feel like writing it again.

See you at the play! and it was awesome to see you today!
xoxo
jessie
K
hydrant at 2003-05-28 22:24 (UTC) (Link)

Re: jessie :(

I read everyone journal... CMon Im Kathy... and we goto Bentley... I gotta keep up.

Anyway I chimed in about Purewal b/c Ive been hearing more than a few complaints about him lately... And since a lot of people seem to be afraid to confront him (he can be intimidating), I figure I can convey the messages.

But the whole test thing makes sense... he does get abak about that sort of stuff. Hopefully the Geo stuff isnt too bad. He'll be cool, dont worry
jess
jess_is_here at 2003-05-29 08:20 (UTC) (Link)

Re: jessie :(

Yeah, it's not bad. Thanks though!

And of course, it's our duty as Bentley kids to know what's going on in everyone's lives! haha.
tanman15 at 2003-05-28 21:42 (UTC) (Link)
Yea label suck OH so much but always remebr that Tan Man loves you and if you ever need to talk I would leave my number but I don;t want my number going around on teh internet as being a a whore.....again hahah jsut kidding
jess
jess_is_here at 2003-05-28 22:01 (UTC) (Link)

Re:

hahaha. thanks man (whore).
you rock, and i hope i see you soon.
xoxo
jessie
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