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July 19th, 2005

Posted on 2005.07.19 at 01:23
Mood: tired, kind of anxious.
Music: cake-meanwhile, rick james
well folks, it's been quite a night.

it began with a scary phone call and a speeding trip down to children's hospital. everything is okay, but that ten minute drive was one of the scarier ones i've had in a while. my mind was racing with all the possibilities of what could have been wrong and what could happen. the whole thing made me realize how much i fucking love kirin and how i would do pretty much anything for that girl. she's such a trooper. it also reminded me how much i hate hospitals. all those machines, monitors, white gowns, etc. just bring back bad, bad memories of not so fun times.

it ended with an unexpected phone call that led me to an all too familiar place where it became clear just how much i've changed over the past few months. i felt like an actress on some bad teen soap who's forgotten their lines or isn't really sure what's going on the in the first place. i have no fucking idea how i'm supposed to feel in this situation (i'm not really stressing, i just feel really bad) or what i'm even supposed to do, but in the end i think the way things are working out will be for the best. right now it's the only way things can be. it's weird. for once i feel in control. for once i'm not the one who could be getting hurt.

i don't even know. i really want a cigarette.

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