April 19th, 2005

peanuts

it's not a cry for help or a plea for pity. it's just important to know about me and on my mind.

[i probably shouldn't make this public, but whatever. make what you want of it. sorry it's so long.]

i go from amused to frustrated way too quickly. i need to choose a mood and stick to it.

two years ago exactly i went to the doctor's and stepped on the scale. they took my temperature and measured my blood pressure and heart rate. the numbers were too low, they knew something was wrong. they sent me off. that one trip to the doctor's office took everything away from me.

i haven't thought about these kinds of things for a while. yet i think about them all the time. i've morphed it into something i can live with, something that will keep me healthy but it's still there. it still gets in the way of too many things, but i don't know how to not let it. losing that scares me more than anything.

and i'd be lying if i said i didn't miss that feeling of power, of control and achievement that it gave me (in some sick way, of course). i'd never have the discipline to do it again though. i know it's for the best, but that scares me too. i've given something up. i'm in awe and envy of that fifteen year old girl who somehow dealt with the cold and emptiness and lonliness and downright hunger in order to achieve something she thought was beautiful. i'm still not really sure what that was though, or when i thought it would happen.

at the same time i'm really proud of myself. proud of the fact that i can be okay with so many things that i used to think i would rather die than do. i never saw myself weighing this much or allowing myself flexibility in how much i ate each day or just letting the food stay inside me if i went a day without working out. and i'm not saying i don't freak out sometimes. however, i can look myself in the mirror and i may not like what i see (sometimes downright hate it) but i'm living with it. i'm okay with it. i never thought i could do that. i remember swearing that i would die before i did that.

since then, i've built so much of my life around finding reasons not to go back; reasons to be okay with it. i find little things to obsess over that i know i wouldn't have if i let it happen again. i change it often so that the impulse for that high of hunger and power doesn't overwhelm these other goals. they're silly things like getting a car (it was contingent upon weight), getting back to swimming, doing well in school, but they're parts of my life that i couldn't have if things were different. i hope that someday my reason can just simply be my own health. i hope that i can fully realize that it's not worth it and that it's not what i want. but i'm not ready for that yet. i'm not ready for that sick part of me to let go completley.

i don't know if people realize that this is still such a big part of me. i don't talk about it often or let in on it because i feel guilty .it's been such a long time. i don't think i'm comfortable enough with anyone right now to try to let them understand everything, to even try to explain it all. although that would feel good. i'm so much better off now but i don't think i will ever be able to completely shake this feeling. it still controls my life and occupies my thoughts so much that it just seems normal. i feel like some things will never go away.


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peanuts

random thoughts.

i went to school for a while. it was a waste of time, as usual. i really need to start taking attendance more seriously though. it will screw me over sooner or later. i just can't get myself to care that much. i feel like i've been getting away with too much lately yet somehow pulling everything off. i'm just so rediculously bored and somewhat dissatisfied that everything seems like a waste of time. or it just seems stupid.

also,it's just so hard knowing that the only thing that really stands between me and summer is ap's, which will be over in less than three weeks (also kind of a stressful thought). after that the only full time classes i will have will be drama and english, neither of which are real. the rest of my classes will be so much more laid back. that will make it even harder to go to school. man, i'm so juiced for summer.

in other news the new pope is really ugly. i'm glad i'm jewish (despite the fact that, according to christine, god hates me for it. oh, how i love the un-pc humor that my friends have taken on lately.)

i'm in one of those moods where i'm somewhat amused my everything. i don't feel like taking anything too seriously right now, it's a good feeling.

i need a prom date. yeah, i'm cool.
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