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May 27th, 2003


peanuts
Posted on 2003.05.27 at 20:36
Fuck. This is so frustrating. I cannot do any more. There has to be something wrong when I eat to the point of pain and feel like I'm going to explode, yet I don't gain any weight.

I'm kind of getting more used to this whole therapy thing. But-eh-not really. I'm not the type of person who really opens up. However, she does bring up some interesting questions and I think I might even be learning a little bit about myself and how I got here. I just don't like the fact that she (as well as all my other doctors) refer to it as 'anorexia'. I always percieved anorexia primarily a distorted body image issue; people consiously trying to eat less and lose weight. I don't like naming things because it makes them seem too general and leads to too much judgement. Also, if you leave something nameless it just doesn't seem like as big of a problem.

I got some work from my teachers today and even though I haven't done any it still feels like a little weight has been lifted. Just knowing how understanding (with the exception of Pure-cocky-wal) they are and being aware of their flexibility with all of this is comforting. Of course I've always had to worry more about my expectations and standards more than anyone elses, but the fact that they don't expect me to make any huge commitments or do everything at once allows me to ease up a bit.

I acutally miss school a little bit. That's how bored I am. I feel so isolated at home and there is absolutely nothing to do. It would make no sense to go back now though, because a)we have two days of real school left before finals (which I cannot take next week due to massive behindness), b)I would have to leave like every two hours for some sort of appointment and c) I really have trouble focusing right now. (Mom! where's my ritalin?!? hahaha.) I just want to go to field day on Friday, but that would be too much activity. Plus, I have to to Stanford at like 2. Once again, Stanford fucking ruins everything.

It feels like the doctors there fucking control my life. I hate that. I'm the type of person who needs to be in control. The question is: when was the last time I really was? Obviously, I haven't really been for a while, or else none of this would have happened. I was so afraid to let loose and was so determined to live up to the expectations that I set for myself that I got detatched from the real me, my rational side, and everything went spiraling out of control. If I was feeling depressed I couldn't talk to anyone because no one knows me as a depressed person. Therefore, I wouldn't acknowlege those feelings until I couldn't discern which side of me was logical or which one I listened to. Well, how's that for some self analyzation? Haha.

But this feeling of needing to be in control makes this so much harder, just because it fuels my motivation to resist. It's so much harder to get out of this than it was to get in, and there's so many reasons for that. However, I've rambled on for long enough, and it's time to eat once again.

P.S. If a lot of this doesn't make sense it's because I've been majorly filtering most of my entries lately. I know, I suck. I should just write it in a real journal. Eh, whatever.

P.P.S. Since when did I start swearing so much? Haha.

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